Red's Blog

Lots of keys

Paul — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 11:41:50 +0000

“You’ll die if you think too much” ~ When I read this It really spoke to me for some reason, something along the lines of how you should act more on impulse and to do what you think is right and not think so much about things before you them! Not that you’ll die if you think too much, but that you’ll miss out if you over rationalize thing. Do what your heart tells you, even if you feel like somethings holding you back.

Moved into my new place about a week ago, things have been going pretty smoothly, but the move could not have come at a worse time! Not only was I very sick, to the point where I couldn’t even talk or stand up for very long I might add, but I was also going through a “bit” of a slump in my life, a lack of enthusiasm and energy left most of the packing and literal moving to my dad and younger brother, but I still tried to help. The people who live at my new place are pretty nice, about 6 other tenants if I’m correct, haven’t left my room much, being sick and all, so I don’t have much to say about them yet. Had a run in with one of them the other day though, around 8pm one of them started pounding on my door ordering me to open up, frightened and confused I grabbed my blade sharpener (blunt object I use to defend myself) and opened the door, was the tenant below my room, someone who had already complained about my noise level, came in rambling about how someone had “thrown” his clean laundry on the floor and how he had to re-do it or some stupid shit, obvious I had nothing to do with it, so i told him so and he was on his way. Damn I hate it when people interrupt me while I’m trying to get off to my porn.

I wish that if you wanted to get rid of something that you know is only hurting you and holding you back, that you could just throw it at a wall or something and have it explode, giving you the closure that at least it can’t affect you anymore.

listening to “Frank Sinatra – Blue Moon” fuck yea Fallout New Vegas

Rules of the Pit

Paul — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 20:54:09 +0000

The best advice I got after I felt like I lost everything was “suck it up fag, it only gets worse from here”, maybe it was because it was an indirect comment, but for some reason it made me happy, made me feel like there was no reason crying over the past when there’s still shit your going to have to put up with, so why not smile when it comes? It would be like taking the guard rail off a roller coaster mid ride just because you want to get off early because you got scared.

I know after all of this I’ll become a stronger person, but I feel like I’m still dreaming, I want to wake up so badly, but I keep falling deeper into my pit. My life had become an endless cycle of routine and ritual orbiting around one person, I must have tricked myself into believing that someone understood me so well and was perfect for me, when in fact that feeling was indifferent. You just feel betrayed, lost and used, you get the feeling like you wasted so much time trying to achieve something that was just out of your reach. I take my residual self image in to question and almost hate to look the mirror right now, I can’t stand the feeling of being second or being boring or just old news to that person when you see the still having fun without you. The worst part about all of this, the part that hurts the most, is the fact that I’m the only one who’s feeling like this, they might have had no idea that I harbored these kind of feelings at all. I had cast all my other close friends aside because I was so obsessed in my own mind.

When I talk about it I start to feel better, I get this burning passion inside to express myself, it’s a high that might be short lived, but it comes with some great relief. It’s hard to put yourself in the shoes of the person who hurt you, acting on assumptions will always end up badly in this case. The right way to think is that it’s their loss, everything happens for a reason, if I had done something differently it wouldn’t have changed anything in the end. Just look back and see it as only a twist in your road and just keep moving on.

Right now I’m still feel like my will was broken and have little to no enthusiasm in proving myself in real life, a feeling that has to pass quickly before I have to face the consequences for my own self pity.

Also watching Black Lagoon with friends atm, awesome show. Nuns with Guns!

Looking back

Paul — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 07:05:02 +0000

Last Thursday was pretty fun I guess, went out with my friends on a school day to hang out, being told that we were going to drink at someones basement that apparently didn’t smell very good. I don’t remember much from that night, but I can sum up the scene as drinking in some guys dirty basement apartment, watching “Don’t tell mommy 5″ on a 13inch LCD tv, running off his ps2 resting on a mattress stained in cat urine and covered in dirty clothes and other miscellaneous objects and drug paraphernalia. Looking around at the familiar faces, talking with friends, swinging around broken replica sword irresponsibly, and being prompted to keep drinking with threats of beatings… a pretty fun night in my opinion! Once again, the most pussy I get when I go out drinking is the attention from house cat currently living there, petting and fussing the cat while laughing and making dirty comments about what was happening on the television, but no complaints on this end, I just wanted to have fun, and I did.

After it was time to leave, my friends and I went to McDonald’s where I got to use my monopoly free cheese burger coupon thing to get a free burger, and let me tell you, that was the best fucking burger I’ve ever had, free stuff really does taste better, especially when it gets the taste of beer and vomit from your mouth.

Also, I will soon be meeting my friend Sam who I’ve known the internet for over a year in real life, he conveniently lives in the same town as I. So if I don’t make any more entries here, know that I have been either violently raped and/or murdered by this seemingly sane individual, wish me luck! (edit: he pussed out, got mad over something stupid and stopped talking to me and my friends, he’ll always be the dumbest smart person I know :B)

Brown paper packages tied up with strings

Paul — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:34:11 +0000

Another nice sunny day starting at 3:40 in the afternoon for me after pulling another all nighter doing nothing. With no set goals in life I feel like a lobotomized turtle, going nowhere slowly and accomplishing very little as I pass by. I find myself logging in and out of messaging clients 1000 times consecutively like a teething attention whore, hoping that my bombardment of online notifications will be noticed by one of my friends so that they can rub Vaseline on my bottom and tell me everything is going to be alright. However that is not the case, it’s usually just a sad attempt to get the attention of someone your interested in, probably won’t work, but at this point I’m to delusional to even care.

Sleep escapes me, I find my self laying in my unmade bed staring at the floral patters that cover my ceiling, dreaming of an unlikely probability, waiting for the inevitable call that will wake me from my possessed slumber and make me happy for a while. Could this really be what I look most forward to? Probably not…

I find myself listing to the same song constantly until I hate it (Fireflies by Owl City), a repetitive cycle I am all to familiar with. If I find a catchy song that won’t leave my head, I become dependent on hearing that tune, so in turn I find that I have to listen to it until I either know all the lyrics off by heart or can’t stand that sound of it. I have too many Beatles songs in my main playlist, it bothers me, but at the same time I can’t take them out just because I want to diversify my music.

Also, I just finished watching “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, awesome movie in my opinion, just sorta had some free time and randomly decided to watch it with some friends, I laughed hard. I love watching movies.